ADOPTION 101

PERSONALI LOVE ...

Jul 20

Since I was initiated into the adoption world a decade ago, I’ve been writing a book in my head that I (temporarily) call The Girlfriend’s Guide to Adoption. If adoption hasn’t personally touched your life, I promise you it’s entirely different and it’s not what you think it is. I have a lot to share! Even if you aren’t curious about adoption for yourself, I think there’s a lot to learn. Let’s dig in …

Children were adopted, not are adopted. Adoption is the way in which you came into your family. You were born, you were adopted. When you say “s/he is adopted” it implies a diagnosis or a separation or a difference. I used to get this wrong, and as soon as I found this analogy, it made perfect sense.
The vast majority of adoptions in the United States are open adoptions. That means that the birth parent(s) and the adoptive parent(s) know each other in some capacity and together they make an adoption plan, typically with the assistance of an agency or attorney. This is new! It wasn’t always like this. I’m sure you know all of the legendary stories about people who didn’t know they were adopted. This still happens but it’s not the norm.
No two adoptions are alike. Experiences are similar but each journey is one-of-a-kind. So there aren’t a lot of blanket terms and labels that work for everyone. We call our birth moms by their names and their label is birth mom. We chose this together with them and my kids will get to choose what they call them as they grow up. I’m no longer offended when someone asks who are my kids real moms … although I do roll my eyes inside my head because it sounds so ignorant to me. But it does give me an opportunity to explain and educate. One of my kids was recently bullied at school about his adoption. He was repeatedly asked who was his “real” mom, and he kept saying me. But the kids didn’t believe him. And one morning in a heart-to-heart about it, I saw the honest desperation in his face when he asked me “you’re real, you’re not make-believe, right?” I was crushed and delighted all at the same time.
I wrote this about birth moms. Please read it so we can talk about not saying the old-fashioned out-of-touch phrase “given up” for adoption. It’s a gross misnomer. The modern term is “placed for” adoption.
I also wrote this about adoption. Please, do not adopt if you need to feel better about yourself or create a reason for your god to celebrate you.
There are currently more than 100,000 kids waiting to be adopted via foster care. I explored this option but I am not well-versed in understanding it. But I am curious about it and am constantly learning more. For instance, I recently met a mom who grew her family through fost-adopt and she was offended by my use of birth mom. She told me that they use the term first mom, and she found that to be a widespread choice with many fost-adopt families.
Adoption is an industry. If you’re exploring adoption to expand your family, the sooner you understand this, the better prepared you will be. It’s a business. There’s market and demand. There are good people and bad people. Scammers on both sides. It doesn’t matter if you’re looking for an open adoption, private, fost-adopt or international — there’s a system that needs to be played. It doesn’t always make sense and it can feel like a game. It will make you mad and frustrated. There’s a shit-ton of paperwork. There might be heartbreak and it might not feel fair. It could be super fast and easy! Dig deep and then go deeper about why you want a baby/child and what is important to you. No two reasons are the same. It’s a wild ride. Buckle up.